“Pastor, are you sick of those sneaky sheep slipping out the side door of the sanctuary while you’re supposed to be sequestered with the Spirit? Here at Locking The Sheep Gate Ministries, we’ll show you how to turn simple visitor cards into a database to track your flock! Even your church secretary can round up those strays with our automated, software-driven “We Miss You When You’re Out” bulk postcard mailing system. Visitation tickler-file option available, along with more-emphatic Holy Fire© message cards for repeat backsliders. For Mac or Windows XP.”
“Attention, church leaders: Your church attendance could triple in just one year! Humble
“Church growth research shows that once your sanctuary fills to 85% seating capacity, people start turning away. Help your parishioners avoid sitting so close together by adding pews from the Room For Every Heart Sacred Furniture Company of Swanee, Indiana. Call us at 1-800-MOVEOVER. Ask our sales rep about Slice O’ Heaven theater seating when you call. Remember, just because we’re one in Christ doesn’t mean people want to touch each other.”
“Music Ministers: Are you losing members to bigger churches with big praise bands and big budgets? Hold your sacred ground with our HymnTastic computerized synthesizer and synchronized PowerPoint Lyrics Display. From “The Old Rugged Cross” to the hottest Christian country and rap, our Internet download service makes the preparation of heavenly worship as easy as reading your e-mail! And add enjoyment to reading those song lyrics with our beautiful Creation Sings© series of background slides. Your song lyrics are superimposed over fifty beautiful sunsets and landscapes, each guaranteed to inspire even the most lackadaisical worshipper.”
“Most people come to church because of the invitation of a friend or relative. Think of the potential, Pastor, if your members would just invite all their unsaved friends. You say it doesn’t happen at your church? Then you need the FriendSaver© System from Big S Jesus Marketing. You preach one special evangelism sermon (text enclosed), and pass out a FriendSaver© Evangelism Card to each member. Encourage them to list the names of all their friends who do not come to your church. Don’t worry about people feeling pressured, everything is voluntary. If someone does not wish to provide a list of names, simply have them check the box on the card marked, “I want my friends to go to hell”. You’ll be amazed at the level of participation! Then, once the names of these infidels are entered into your church computer, our software creates exciting personalized letters about you and your church. Our AutoMail feature sends these letters out every week over the machine signature of your own church members! The impact is incredible!”
The preceding tongue-in-cheek paragraphs would be more humorous if they were not so true to life. Each one is based on current practices or products currently in use out there in the church marketplace. As the comedians sometimes say, “This stuff writes itself.”
